So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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