I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
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