glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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