I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Randomize
