K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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