I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Randomize
