So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
