I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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