booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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