I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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