I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
and eventually we just all took our pants off
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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