I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
