From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
