Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
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