Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
