You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
