So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
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