so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
50% drunk capacity currently
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
