not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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