She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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