I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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