Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
