I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
