shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
