She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
