How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Randomize