2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Randomize
