So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Randomize
