Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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