Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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