my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
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