I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
