i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Randomize
