Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
