We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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