i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
