i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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