Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
