Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
