You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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