the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
