Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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