oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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