Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
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