Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Randomize
