I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
