Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
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