At least make sure they are 18
Why
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Randomize
