i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
