so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
