Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
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