??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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