Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
