Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
