just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
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