was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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