So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
