Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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