I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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