she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Randomize
