drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Randomize