it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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