Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
