I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
