Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
